I’m here today to debunk the whole evolution theory by offering myself as proof. If evolution were real…
1. I totally should have evolved past shaving my legs at this point.
Hello legs, it’s been 25 years now and you still haven’t taken the hint. If I feel you need to be warm, I will cloth you – you no longer require fur for warmth – man has discovered a little something called “fire”. Legs, tell the hair to go away. It’s time. Truly.
2. My reflexes would have evolved past gagging every time I brush my teeth. Every. Single. Stinkin’. Time.
Dear gag reflex, how long have we been together? A while now, right? Surely you must know that I will brush my teeth every day. It is inevitable. Could you please just come to terms with this concept already, so I can perform this mundane task without feeling like a bullimic attempting to purge her breakfast? I’m asking you to evolve, gag reflex. Please… for me?
3. I, and all the other mommies out there, would have twelve arms.
Arms, I know you work hard for your money. SO hard for it, honey. But it just ain’t enough. I need more of you. I’m talking the old-fashioned Noah’s Ark way – 2 by 2. Mama needs her some extra arms. I realize we’ll need to start shopping at Octopus-R-Us, but it’s worth it. Think of all the extra time we’ll have at the end of the day. Just think about it, okay?
4. My skull would have evolved to accommodate that extra set of eyeballs in the back of my head that my kids truly believe are there.
Sure, I’d need to wear my hair in two pony tails like a 2nd grader everyday so I could actually make use of those babies. But that could be cute, right? And just think of what a formidable force I’d be with two sets of eyeballs and twelve arms.
Oh, if I’d only evolve already…