In honor of my 3? birthday, my darling husband took me away Fri. & Sat. to Palm Springs. Well, okay, so that’s not exactly true – he was going to Palm Springs on business and I tagged along. But the hotel was very romantic, so I pretended that it was just for me!
Anyway, I tell you this because I had been workin my tail feathers off on Wednesday, trying to get the rest of the week’s homeschool lessons finished so I could get ready to leave. We were basically doing three days of school work in one day. Fun, right? Yeah, your right, it’s really not.
So I was sitting there at my desk, homeschooling and twittering at 4:55pm. This is when I realized that I had completely forgotten our darling dog had a beauty appointment in 5 minutes. I quickly closed my teacher’s manual and told my kids to get their shoes on.
As I got up from my desk, I looked out the window and realized that it was raining… hard. Normally that would delight me, but on this day I was not dressed for the weather. In fact, I had decided to be lazy that day (how unusual) and had thrown on a housedress after my shower. At least I showered, right?
“What is a housedress?” you ask.
In some cases it’s a moomoo. Ya know, those big colorful dresses that are designed to look like you’re wearing a cloth sack 12 sizes too big for the largest woman in the world? Yeah, those. But at my house, a housedress is a comfy dress (usually very cute), but not necessarily what I would consider to be “modest”. That’s why I call it a “house” dress – I wouldn’t dream of wearing it anywhere else.
Okay, back to my story.
I’m looking at the rain falling outside with NO time left on the clock to fix my appearance, or even dress appropriately for the current weather conditions.
So, I did what ANY respectable Christian woman would do….
I ran upstairs, grabbed yesterday’s jeans from their crumbled-ness off the floor (where do you keep your jeans?), pulled them on, and tucked my housedress into my jeans like a shirt. Yes… I… did. And with one quick glance in the mirror, I could see that I was rocking the largest, most dimpled rump one will ever likely see this side of Heaven. (Or the other side of Heaven for that matter.) The folds of my tucked-in housedress was causing me to bulge in the most unflattering of places. I looked like that little girl in the old Charmin commercial that fills the seat of her britches with toilet paper before going to learn how to skate. Remember that one? That was me on this day. I could’ve fallen from a five story building and landed on my puffy posterior, and not felt a thing.
Oh, but what else could I do? Zero. Zip. Zilch.
A few short seconds later, we were out the door with doggie in hand, and off to PetSmart for an over-priced Puppy Fluff & Fold service (which we were on time for, by the way). As we hurried into the store and made our way to the grooming salon, I forced myself to accept the fact that if I was ever to bump into an ex-boyfriend, well, this indeed would be the day. And with my rump enlarged to such degree, I knew the odds of literally “bumping” into anyone, were quite good.
Oh, but God knows my fragile female feelings and spared them on that day. One more thing to be eternally grateful for.
Funny thing is, I remained dressed that way for the rest of the night… unsightly bulges, bumps, dimples, and all.
Yes, even after my hubby came home from work. And boy, did I get a raised eyebrow from him.
Yeah… I’m a keeper.